Wept
October 2024
It’s almost 1:00 AM so what am I doing up writing? I’ve always been a night owl. Turning off my brain has always been a struggle. Sometimes a welcomed quiet time. While the kids are all asleep in their beds, I enjoy the comfort of sitting up in bed while Jason sleeps next to me either reading, writing, or working in bed. Sometimes with work assignments. Sometimes planning to quiet the to-do list in my head. Sometimes to read or scroll for relaxation. Other times to research. It could be business ideas, home design, bible studies, or anything lying heavy on my mind. This quiet, focused time has changed lately and has turned into research time for the last two years.
It is time to learn any and everything I can about Korbin’s Arginine Vasopressin Deficiency (Diabetes Insipidus) diagnosis. What type of treatment is available? What kind of alternatives are there? (none.) What does his prognosis of living with this disease look like? Where is the best available care or doctor for him? You name it I’ve researched it. That research then led to learning more about the causes of this rare disease. Which led me down several paths of further research. In the last year or so that has led to narrowing that research to Langerhans Cell Histiocytosis (LCH). I’ve spent night after night scouring online Histiocytosis, LCH, AVP-D /DI groups, organizations, articles, medical journals, and personal experiences. Soaking in every bit of information my mind can absorb plus some. Watching video after video. Researching oncologists, hematologists, endocrinologists, and every pediatric hospital within a 15-hour drive.
This month waiting for doctors to return test results, phone calls, get tests, and appointments schedule has been nothing short of heavy almost to the point of feeling tortuous. As I lay here tonight scrolling and mapping out hospital trips and weighing the costs of what the future may hold with so many unknowns and so many questions I tried even in the darkness, even as I sat alone, even when I didn’t need to be strong for anyone else, I felt myself trying to hold it all in. Trying to not let the tears escape as it is so hard to control them these days. For someone who hates to cry and seems to cry for every emotion, this has been a trying time to get myself to keep it all together.
As I felt the weight get heavier words quickly came to my mind. As I scrolled the website of yet another children’s pediatric oncology hospital. The words replay over and over. “Jesus Wept.” at first I feel comfort in thinking God is so good and kind he’s reminding me it’s okay to fall apart with the weight of the situation. That even Jesus both equally God and man wept. Thinking of the verse in the book of John 11:35. I quickly switched apps on my phone, much like my brain with all the tabs open. I opened the Bible app and read the verse to myself again.
I thought about how Jesus knowing the full plan, knowing every detail of what had happened to his friend Lazarus and what was going to happen, He still wept. He still felt the weight of the situation. It was still too much for him to get it together. It was in front of a crowd of people. Not in the comfort of the dark and his bed. In the day light surrounded by those who believed him and those who ridiculed him. He wept. Knowing that when he called upon his Heavenly Father asking for Him to step in and perform a miracle only possible by him for His Glory that He would do it, Jesus still wept.
It wasn’t about his weakness. It wasn’t about lack of faith. It wasn’t about his loss of hope. It wasn’t about him being overwhelmed by sadness. It wasn’t about the sickness his friend suffered through. It wasn’t about the finality of death. It was just about his need to trust in His father’s timing. It was about his need to call out to His Heavenly Father. It was about the deep love he felt for Lazarus. It was about the sorrow he felt in that moment.
It was about sharing it with a crowd of believers, doubters, unbelievers, and those in between. It was about doing It all for God’s glory. So that everyone will believe. I know without a doubt that everything Korbin is going through and everything we are dealing with is because of this broken world we live in but, God! He will use every appointment. Every procedure. Every test. Every tear. Every pain. Every hard day. Every struggle. Every part of Korbin’s story will be for God’s glory.
John 11:40 NIV
[40] Then Jesus said, “Did I not tell you that if you believe, you will see the glory of God?”
If you’ve made it this far just know I’ve wept. I may not have all the details but I know the outcome. Korbin’s story will be used all for God’s glory.
So for those in our “crowd”. Those who find themselves doubting. Those who don’t believe, used to believe, or don’t know what it means to believe. To those in between.
Keep following Korbin’s story. Keep watching as we continue to call out to our Heavenly Father. Keep watching so you can see when God takes away this “stone”. We pray that through Korbin’s story you will stand here and believe. All for His Glory.
John 11:41-42 NIV
[41] So they took away the stone. Then Jesus looked up and said, “Father, I thank you that you have heard me. [42] I knew that you always hear me, but I said this for the benefit of the people standing here, that they may believe that you sent me.”
